1. O’Brien: He’s known as one of the greatest crime-novelist. His latest is called Crime Wave. Please welcome a real hepcat, James Ellroy.
2. Ellroy: Good morning. How’s the hammer hanging?
3. O’Brien: You know I love it when an interview starts that way. It’s hanging just fine, James.
4. Ellroy: Long and strong. Want to talk about Bill Clinton?
5. O’Brien: No, not really.
6. Ellroy: Okay. We’ve had a lot of the same women. We also say the same thing. He is [hung] like a cashew. You heard it here first, off the record, on the QT, and very hush hush.
7. O’Brien: I had a bet with Andy before you came out, how quickly before he alienates everyone who’s watching? Andy said 9 seconds, I said 6, I think I win.
8. Ellroy: 7 and 1/2.
9. O’Brien: All right. Well, let’s get on to your Life and your Business, because I respect our President and won’t see him mocked. You have a very unique story. I’m a big fan. I’ve read a lot of your Novels. I’ve read your autobiographical Work, and you talk about how you were down and out.
10. Ellroy: I was down and out.
11. O’Brien: I don’t think people realise how down and out you were. Tell us how down and out you were. This is about 10, 15 years ago? 20 years ago?
12. Ellroy: No, no, no. This is closer to 25. I was lean, mean, obscene and barely out of my teens. I was selling blood plasma. They take the whole blood out, they extract the plasma, they put the whole blood back.
13. O’Brien: They can’t take all your blood out, they got to leave.
14. Ellroy: No, they take a pint out. Yeah. Dig it. It’s a 45 minute process.
15. O’Brien: I dig?
16. Ellroy: For 5 bucks, right? One day, I got my plasma bonus in Skid Row, LA. Dig it. I hitchhiked out to the Beach, bought a bottle of T-Bird on the way and a pack of cigarettes, had 9 bucks left. Got together with some buddies. We’re lean, mean, obscene, we’re out of it. We’re drinking, we’re smoking weed. Bam! I black out. I wake up.
17. O’Brien: You blacked out?
18. Ellroy: I blacked out. I woke up, and I was in bed with a 300 pound woman. Folds, crenellations.
This woman was so big.
19. O’Brien: Wait a minute, you got grossed out?
Chappelle: No, I’m not grossed out. What are you doing after this? We should hang out, man.
20. Ellroy: What Dave Chappelle doesn’t know.
21. O’Brien: What happened there? You went to shake his hand? What happened there?
Dave Chappelle: Yeah, I was going to give him five, but he didn’t see me. I’m just shy. It was a Good story.
22. Ellroy: Good story, and it’s not over yet.
Chappelle: I’m digging it. Come on, hit me.
Ellroy: This woman was so big, she had wings. Left wing, right wing. She had spokes, I mean she went on forever.
23. O’Brien: Okay. You lost me a long time ago.
24. Ellroy: The first thing I did is, “Where are my glasses? Where’s my clothes?”, because I’m naked, too.
25. O’Brien: Right.
26. Ellroy: “Where’s my wallet? Where’s my 9 bucks?” You can buy a lot of T-Bird with 9 bucks. [Saved.]
27. O’Brien: Right.
28. Ellroy: Right?
29. O’Brien: I imagine you can, yeah.
30. Ellroy: Off on this side of the bed, there’s my glasses, there’s my clothes, there’s my wallet with two 20s in it. She paid me for it.
Ellroy: Okay. LA on a Saturday. I got dressed, I walked out. I was ahead 31 bucks on the deal. I walk outside, I’m in San Francisco.
31. O’Brien: Is that true? Is this a real true story?
32. Ellroy: This is an absolutely true story of an alcoholic blackout.
33. O’Brien: You never heard from this woman or anything now that you’ve become famous and stuff? She never calls you or anything?
34. Ellroy: She had a major, major thing with Bill Clinton. She’s Jane Doe.
35. O’Brien: Why do you do that?
36. Ellroy: She’s Jane Doe Number 69.
37. O’Brien: Wait, wait, wait. Now let’s get on to Happier topics. You’ve cleaned up your life.
38. Ellroy: I quit drinking. I quit using drugs.
39. O’Brien: Okay, Good for you.
40. Ellroy: I’m very, very Happily married.
41. O’Brien: That’s a Good message, you’re Happily married.
42. Ellroy: I live in Kansas City.
43. O’Brien: Oh great, another Happy thing. Are you planning on having kids?
44. Ellroy: No, my wife and I hate the little [fuckers.] You know what I’m planning on doing out in Kansas City?
45. O’Brien: Are you still here? What happened?
46. Ellroy: I want to start the world’s first equal Opportunity Ku Klux Klan, and I want Dave Chappelle to be Grand Dragon.
Chappelle: I’ll do it.
47. O’Brien: You want him to be the Grand Dragon?
48. Ellroy: The Grand Dragon, yeah. I’m going to be exalted cyclops. We’re going to let in Jews, Catholics, Irish, Gay, everybody.
49. O’Brien: Thanks for making a big allowance for me. Irish.
50. Ellroy: Well, Conan, you’re working in the handicap already.
51. O’Brien: Why is that?
It’s a well-known fact. Jack Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Ronald Reagan. Reagan’s an Irish name. [Hung] like mosquitoes. Whereas the Blacks, the Germans like Richter.
53. O’Brien: I can’t believe that this is all on TV. This is happening on TV. That’s the part.
54. Ellroy: Yeah, that’s right, and WASPs with no hair.
Chappelle: This is like the most awesome Experience of my Career. It don’t get no better than this baby.
55. O’Brien: I think everybody who’s here at this moment should reunite, audience included. Let’s all meet in a year at a bar, and let’s talk about what happened. It is unthinkable.
56. Ellroy: I want to tell everybody in the audience one thing.
57. O’Brien: No, you’re through. Crime Wave is in bookstores right now, and you know what, I think I’ve learned my lesson. You just said you wanted to add one more thing. I’m going to let him add one more thing, and probably regret it. Go ahead, what else, James?
58. Ellroy: If each and every one of you buy 1,000 copies of these books tonight, you will be able to have unlimited sex with each and every Person on this Earth that you desire, every night for the rest of your lives, and still get in the cabin as the result of a special dispensation given by me, the Reverend Elroy.
59. O’Brien: All right. While you’ve creeped out America in your own unique way, your name is James Ellroy, it’s called Crime Wave. Buy it if you’d like to have unlimited sex. We’ll be right back, take care.