1. O’Brien: My guest tonight is one of the best crime novelists around today. He has written numerous books, including the autobiographical, My Dark Places and his book, LA Confidential is now a major motion picture. A lot of People say it’s going to win a bunch of Oscars. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome James Ellroy.
James, great. Thanks for dressing up for the show. Good to have you.
2. Ellroy: Thank you, Conan, thank you. How’s the hammer hanging?
3. O’Brien: It’s Good, doing real Good.
All right. You’re creeping me out already.
4. Ellroy: I like it, I like it.
5. O’Brien: We’re into seven seconds into the Interview and you come walking out here in your crazy hat and your weird attitude, and I’m loving it.
6. Ellroy: This is a show, Conan, for the whole Family.
7. O’Brien: If there ever was.
8. Ellroy: If the name of your Family is the Manson Family.
9. O’Brien: Boo boom boom. Now let’s talk. First of all, congratulations, L.A. Confidential. Great book, great movie. That never happens in L.A. They always take a really great book and make the crappiest movie you ever saw. This is a Good movie.
10. Ellroy: Seven years ago, they optioned the damn thing. I figured they’d never make it. If they did, I figured they’d screw it up past Redemption. And I should keep my mouth shut, because I sold the Film Rights. Now, I am in the enviable position of being able to go out and endorse the Hell out of this thing.
11. O’Brien: It’s a Good movie. You don’t have to sell your Soul to endorse this movie.
12. Ellroy: I did sell my Soul, but they retrieved it for me when they executed this movie so well.
13. O’Brien: All right. All right, very well done, very well said.
14. Ellroy: As Good as the movie is.
15. O’Brien: Yeah?
16. Ellroy: The book is better.
17. O’Brien: You have a big Modesty thing you have to overcome. Let’s talk about, we had Russell Crowe on the show a couple of weeks ago. He is one of the leads in this movie. He’s a great actor, does an amazing Job. We’re talking to him and he told me an anecdote that you, during the filming of the movie - I don’t know if it was to inspire him or why - would call up Russell Crowe and leave strange messages.
Woof, woof, hear the demon dog bark.
He’s got a 12 inch, and it glows in the dark.
His brain is big, but his [dick] is bigger.
His right winger finger’s on the nuclear trigger.
Yes, my friends, hear this ode,
I porked a lizard and a lobster and a horny toad.
I’m the king of writers, woof, woof, woo, woo.
I’ve got a [unclear] girlfriend strung out on glue.
Sound of applause.
19. O’Brien: You realise, by the way, tonight when you watch the show, that’s going to be one long beep. It’s going to be like, “Yeah, I’ll tell you what it is, Beep.” It will last exactly a minute.
20. Ellroy: There’s an R rated version of that.
21. O’Brien: That’s okay, I think we just heard it. You’re getting famous now.
22. Ellroy: Yeah.
23. O’Brien: Of course, your Fame has been growing in stages, but now with a movie that will probably wrack up some Oscars behind you, are you getting groupies?
24. Ellroy: I have women chasing me left, right and center.
25. O’Brien: This is before they heard the creepy Poem, right?
26. Ellroy: So many years ago, before I met my wife, I would have welcomed this, but I’m totally devoted to my wife. My wife has a way of dealing with these women. She puts the hex of the cougar woman of them. The flying paws of Death, and each and every one of these women that wants to jump my bones, immediately turns into a dyke.
27. O’Brien: Whenever I talk to you, whenever I talk to you, it always feels like I’ve picked up an obscene phone call.
28. Ellroy: My Grandma.
29. O’Brien: I’m only talking to you and unlike any other Interview, I’m asking normal questions and you’re going, “That’s right baby, the demon dogs howl, aroo~.” I always feel like, Have I kept him on long enough to trace the call? We’ve got to find this guy.
30. Ellroy: People have attributed the recent rise in the lesbian Population to Ellen DeGeneres’ heroic coming out of the closet? Wrong. Wrong. No, no, no, no and no, it’s the hex of the cougar woman.
31. O’Brien: Every woman out there who’s a lesbian, is a lesbian because they were once attracted to you and your wife put this hex on them.
32. Ellroy: That’s exactly Right.
33. O’Brien: Perfectly rational answer.
34. Ellroy: Yes, it is, and very male, I might say.
35. O’Brien: Very Good. I got to ask you this, it’s just too Good. I’ve got to ask you this. I noticed on the back of your book, American Tabloid, which is one of my.
36. Ellroy: Time Magazine Novel of the Year, 1995.
37. O’Brien: That was 1995, what have you done lately?
38. Ellroy: My Dark Places, New York Times Book of the Year, 1996, Time Magazine Book of the Year, 1996. A book for the whole Family, if the name of your Family is the O.J. Simpson Family.
39. O’Brien: I’m curious, how many variations of that joke do you have?
40. Ellroy: The name of your Family. A book for the whole Family?
41. O’Brien: Yeah, a book for the whole Family and then you plug in any Family name.
42. Ellroy: The Jeffrey Dahmer Family.
43. O’Brien: Oh, you’ve got a million of them.
44. Ellroy: The Borgias Family.
45. O’Brien: Save it for the Tonight Show, Letterman, you’ve got more to do.
46. Ellroy: They won’t put me on.
47. O’Brien: They won’t put you on?
48. Ellroy: No.
49. O’Brien: Why won’t they put you on?
50. Ellroy: Because I am a C list guy, which is why I do this show.
51. O’Brien: I have supported you for three years.
52. Ellroy: Three and a half, darling.
53. O’Brien: Three and a half, every time you have a novel out, I put you on the show and talk to you. You come out here, you talk like a freak, you act like a freak. You wear the crazy hat. This is definitely the first year of M.A.S.H. All I do is support you. You come out and you expose this show as a C list show that it is.
54. Ellroy: You have a quality Demographic. It is well known that People that watch the Conan O’Brien show are the smartest, the best paid, the most well, altogether the hippest, the coolest and the swingest. The People who watch the other shows drool, the people who watch Conan O’Brien rule.
55. O’Brien: I love this guy. You are the greatest man who ever lived, in my opinion. My Dark Places. I’ve read all your books.
56. Ellroy: The only guy.
57. O’Brien: Who else reads the books? I read all your books because I have nothing better to do. My Dark Places and L.A. Confidential in bookstores now. You’re welcome back anytime.
58. Ellroy: My pleasure.
59. O’Brien: Talk to wardrobe next time before you come out.
60. Ellroy: Do you know what this thing’s made out of?
61. O’Brien: What’s it made of?
62. Ellroy: The top dyed pubic hair of one breed of yak indigenous to one mountain in the Himalayas. $87,000 retail.
63. O’Brien: You know what I love? I didn’t learn my lesson, you asked me, “Do you know where this sweater’s made?” And I said, “Where?” That’s the best part. Thinking he’s going to say, “I don’t know, I think solid. But it feels Good.” All right, James Ellroy, it’s always one of the more compelling Interviews in Television. Thanks so much for coming back. Don’t bite.
O’Brien: We’ll take a break. Stick around.