Monday, April 27, 2015

MitchHedberg. Transcript. LaughStopHouston. Strategic grill locations. 1999.

1.       Welcome totheLaughStop. It’s great of all of you to come out and support MitchHedberg. And what I’m doing is just waiting until Mitch gets in position and come on stage. I think he’s waitingintentionally to make me, make me embarrassed. That’s what he’s doing. TheLaughStop has been here for twentyyears, isn’t that great? Ladiesandgentlemen, I’m extremelyproud, and theLaughStop is extremelyproud to presentMitchHedberg.
2.       I have to record theCD, so I have to tell all the jokes I have. I’ve neverrecorded theCD before. I’ve told a lot of these jokes before, ha, ha, ha, but I’ve got to put them on theCD now, you see? So I’m going to spread it out. All these jokes on this CD right here. These are theCDjokes. I whittled the list down today. These are the jokes that I can think of today, which means they are theCDjokes. I might think of another one that won’t be on this list, and I’ll throw it in in the moment of spontaneity that you won’t be able to detect, because you won’t notice that it’s not on the list, but I’ll be proud of my spontaneity, and you will see it in my strive, so don’t fuck up the bass tonight, Chuck, because we’re on CD here. Just fucking keep it, keep it going. Don’t fuck up a scale. These jokes are all going to go right here.
3.       I wish I could play LittleLeague now, I’d kick some fucking ass. I’d be way better than before. Back up now. All right. That joke kicked off a CD right there. It’s kind of weak, man.
4.       I’ve got an antfarm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.
5.       What about some carrots maybe, for me? I like carrots.
6.       I dressed up for theCD.
7.       I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
8.       How long can a CD be? All right. I might have to [make] two tonight. I don’t know, kid. That would be toomuchcomedy, for me.
9.       My apartment is infested with koalabears. Its thecutest [infection] ever. Waybetter than cockroaches. When I turn the light on, a bunch of koalabears scatter, and I don’t want them to, you know? I’m like, Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf. Wily koalabears, they’re so fucking cute, why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one, and hold him, all right, and pet him on the back of his head.
10.   I’ve alwayswanted to have a suitcate handcuffed to my wrist. All right. It’s not full joke there. That’s filler. That’s filler. One of the list is bending up. Can’t read it.
11.   Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house, and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
12.   My friend asked me I wanted a frozen banana, I said, No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.
13.   A guy told me he liked cherries, but I waited to see if he was gonna say, Tomato, before I realised he likes cherries just. All right. That joke is ridiculous. That’s like a carboncopy of the previous joke, but with different ingredients. I don’t know what I was trying to pull off there. That one might be edited.
14.   I can edit the jokes. I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call them cavities. I like to call them the places to put stuff. You know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available.
15.   I got my hair highlighted, because I thought some strands were moreimportant than others.
16.   I wrote my friend a letter using a highlightingpen, but he could notread it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
17.   I saw some twothousandsdollarsbill today. They were for sale for eightdollars. Something went severlywrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it’s worth eight, still says two. I missed the two. I could break a two. All right.
18.   If the jokes go down, Chuck, pick it up. You know what I mean? I might need you here.
19.   I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, and she would read that, too. All right.
20.   I mumble a lot I’m on stage. I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend, and I say something, he won’t hear me, he’ll say, What? And I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, What? But really, it’s just some insignificantshit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, That tree is far away.
21.   If you boat a lot, you are known as a boatingenthousiast. I like the boat, but I just don’t want to be referred to as a boatenthousiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat. I’m fucking lazy.
22.   I want to be a racecarpassenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we have got to keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you reallylilke tie.
23.   Some of those responses, some of the [laughters] and response, I use for other jokes that didn’t work. I would make as though you fuckers laughed at the unfunny shit. I’m going to use you. I’m going to make a whole joke, unfunny jokes, and put your [laughter] into it, and list you individually in theCD. These people don’t like funny jokes.
24.   You should nevertell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BBgun.
25.   Where are all the adoring photos? I’ve never seen one. All right. That joke is notreallylaid out. Refers to before and after.
26.   Say, I was on theCraigKilbornshow. Thenextday, I flew toMinneapolis. I was at the airport, and a guy came up, he said, Dude, I saw you on TV last night, but he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that he saw me on Television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago, and you were good.
27.   All right. Say, get your priorities crooked. That’s my sister, that’s what I tell her, she’s toostraightlaced. I say, Get your priorities crooked. All right. That’s dumb, man.
28.   I wrote a letter to my dad. I was gonna write, I reallyenjoyed being here, but I accidentallywrote rarely instead of really, but I wanted to use it, I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote, I rarelydrive steamboats, dad. There are a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboatoperator. I knew this letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, dad.
29.   At the end of my letter, I like to write, p.s. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
30.   I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up reallyquick? Fuckyou.
31.   If I was a locksmith, I’d be fucking pimping that shit out. So, what’s going on, man? Tell you what. I’ll trade you a free keyduplication. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because there’s no ending.
32.   I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’sfault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, outoffocus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here. Got to go.
33.   I have an underwatercamera, in case if I crash my car into a lake, by the last minute, I see a photoopportunity of a fish that I have never seen. All right.
34.   One time a guy handed me a picture, he said, Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture of you you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I’m older. You son of a bitch. How did you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What does it look like?
35.   I’ve got a roommate. I live in NewYorkCity. I’ve got a roommate to save money, but I fucked up, because I am tooold for a roommate. I fucked up severely. I signed a yearlease, too. I reallyfucked up. Just like it’s, I wrote a joke that didn’t work, and now I have to tell it for a year.
36.   My roommate say, he goes, I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? It’s like some weirdassquiz where he reveals the answer first. Yeah.
37.   Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, I’m gonna go shave, too.
38.   Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. Verydangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up.
39.   I drank some boiling water, because I wanted to whistle.
40.   He lost your wallet. It’s hard to dance. Hey, I just lost my wallet. This song is funky. Fuckit. All right. That shit is no good, boy. This is a CD called Hit and miss.
41.   I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really, it’s just a towel that fits me. All right.
42.   My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got halfway. So she’s an actress, she is just nevercalled to the set.
43.   On a traffic light, green means Go and yellow means Yield. But on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green mean Hold on, and yellow means Go ahead. And red means, Where the fuck did you get that banana at?
44.   Sometimes I stay at a hotel, they have a minibar. Minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I alwaysfathom that I’m going to replace it before they can check me off and charge me, but they made that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, I say, Do you have Coke in a glassharmonica? Do you have individuallywrapped cashews?
45.   You can’t please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show.
46.   I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
47.   I need sporadic applause on theCD, boy. That applause will be duplicated. It’s going to be after every joke. TheCD is going to be sixhourslong. Sixjokes. Just looped laughter.
48.   I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I draw a picture of the audience enjoying the show more at the back of my eyelids.
49.   If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
50.   I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candybar in a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so it reaches its maximum flavourpotential.
51.   I bought a sevendollarspen, because I alwayslose pens, and I got sick of notcarrying.
52.   I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their souls to theDevil, and theDevil was Dill. These jokes are stupid.
53.   I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, man. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring inkandpaper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like You didn’t get that doughnut. I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s at home, in the file, under D.
54.   Sometimes I wake up, I start thinking about I’ll wear a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m going to, though. You bet your ass. I will have a beret on. Ha, ha. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I alwaysfight with wearing a beret. Is it time? All right.
55.   Sometimes I make some money, doing comedy. I made threethousanddollars over theNeverBrothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had threethousandsdollars in my front pocket. That was bad situation, because I started buying ridiculous shit. I bought a snakebite and emergencyrepairkit. Then I said to my friend, Don’t even worry about snakes. Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, Lay down.
56.   A snakebite emergencyrepairkit is a bodybag.
57.   Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realise that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad, because just the plague of onions is verysad. A lot of people don’t realise I’m actuallykind. They think I’m just reacting.
58.   Fuck. TheCD is going to be full of jokes that were better in a year.
59.   I’m walking down the street with my friend. He says, I hear music. There isn’t any other way you can take it in. You’re notspecial. That’s how I receive it, too. I tried to taste it, but it did notwork. All right.
60.   When I travel with my box, my radio, I stopped the cord inside the batterycompartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong. No one knows? That joke is going to good, because I’m going to take all the words out, and add the new words. That joke will be fixed.
61.   Sometimes at night, I fall asleep with my clothes on. I am going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
62.   You know they call corn-on-the-cob corn-on-the-cob, right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, and they should call every other version corn-off-the-cob. It’s not ike if you cut off my arm you would call my arm Mitch, but then reattach it and call it Mitch-all-together.
63.   Chocolate makes me happy, I have to admit.
64.   I had ** for a while in a casino. That fucking noise drove the shit out of me, man. Casino, losing money, and bust out the koala, again. It’s like a fucking sound of my addiction.
65.   I love to gamble, you know? Put myself in LasVegas. Casino there, there’s a RivieraHotel, has a comedyclub. There were fourcomedians on the bill. We all had similar hair, because we were all using Rivierainhouseshampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
66.   It’s twoinoneshampoo. Twoinone is bullshitterm, because one is notbigenough to hold two. That’s why two was created. If it [were] twoinone, it would be overflowing. Bottle would be all sticky and shit.
67.   People ask me, what words mean, you know? What is composition mean? Some people would say, Put it in a sentence, but I need a little more. Put it in a play. All right.
68.   Heliumjoke is a kill, you know. You get a big [laughter]. Every joke preapprouved is funny by me. That joke didn’t work, right?
69.   As a comedian, you have to start the show strong, and you have to end the show strong. Those are the twokeyelements. You can’t be like pancakes. All exciting at first, but by the end, you’re fucking sick of them.
70.   A waffle is like a pancake with a syruptrap.
71.   I put food on the top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
72.   I have a cheeseshredder at home. That’s a positive name for it, cheeseshredder. They don’t call it by its negative name, because nobody would buy it, spongeruiner. Because I want to clean it, but I have a little bits of sponge. That would easily melt on tortillachips.
73.   I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car’sheadlight, and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
74.   I say the word Totally toomuch. I use the word Totally, but I need to change it. Use the word that is different, but means thesamething. Mitch, do you like Subwaysandwich? All-encompassingly.
75.   I did a special for ComedyCentral, and I had to take physicals, verbalphysical. A bunch of yesornoquestions, but they were strangelyworded. Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
76.   This shirt is drycleanonly, which means it’s dirty.
77.   Thanks, that’s Chuck there. How about a round of applause for Chuck?
78.   I’ve figured out a tanningbeautytricks, because I’ve read in a magazine tanningbeautytricks. All you do is take a product that’s meant for something else, and use it for something else. That’s the trick. How do I get rid of acne? Well, you know that showerscrub? Put it on the zip. All right. I want to get rid of the rash. You know that blue for birdcages? Use that. That’s the trick, right there. That’s a dumb joke, man. Fuck.
79.   I think I’m doing openmike on CDrecording. Fuck. That’s right. Any joke that doesn’t work, Chuck wrote for me.
80.   I have to live and die by my jokes. I just hope that, any joke I say, you don’t think it’s funny, you don’t hate me. That’s the problem, you know? I alwaysfeel like I tell a joke that doesn’t get [laughter], I feel as though people who once liked me no longer do. Audiencecrwod can be fickle. Once they like you, you have to keep telling funny jokes. As soon as you don’t, you’re done. It’s like a fucking tightrope.
81.   I’ve seen a humanpyramid before. It was veryunnecessary. They didn’t need to exist. It was pure danger.
82.   I play sports. No, I don’t, what the fuck? That’s a major full pause.
83.   I play golf. I’m notgood at golf. I never got a holeinone, but I did hit a guy, that’s waymoresatisfying. You’re supposed to yell, Fore, but I was toobusying mumbling, There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.
84.   I had exploited my skin for the show. Ha, ha, ha. Exploited with some verysmall apricots.
85.   Clubowner here, when he comes to town, he hooks up with drugs. I can give you cocaine and popbrownies, but thelasttime I was in town, he gave me a drug for attentiondeficitdisorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me was, I suddenlyhad extralong attentionspan. People would telling me a story, the story would end, I’d get all mad and shit. Come on, man, there’s got to be more than that story. I’m on pills here.
86.   I have a friend who’s a juggler. When I go to his house, I don’t like to say, Food from fits in threes. He has threeapples left. I guess I can’t have one. Who would want to fuck up a practiceroutine. All right.
87.   I’m in a hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, Can I use the phone? I said, Certainly. Do I have to dial 9? Yeah, especially if it’s in the number. You can try fourandfive backtoback real quick.
88.   I don’t inhale a lot of THC these days. I ate toomuch THC yesterday, I got high on THC.  I don’t get high on it much these days. When I’m really high, THC is scary. I was scared of an elevator yesterday, because I was toohigh. Elevator was freaky. All right. I don’t have time for the. I’ve got to let the elevators not be scary. They have to remaining unfrightening. Once you get scared, I have to remain on the groundfloor now. All right. And use the stairs. All right.
89.   My lucky number is fourbillions. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. Come on, fourbillions. Fuck, seven. Not even close. I need some moredice. Fourbillions divided by six, at least.
90.   Snakeeyes, now. I just said, Snakeeyes. It’s a gamblingterm, or it’s a animal term, too.
91.   Popsicles are for the summertime.
92.   I like to play blackjack. I am notaddicted to gambling. I am addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
93.   I just realised how useful this table is. Because of this table, everything is a little bit closer than me, but I take it for granted. Ha, ha, ha. Try to act like it’s just like the floor, but it’s not. It’s a little bit higher.
94.   I was in a park and I saw a kid flying a kite. He was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. If he had a chair at the end of that string, I would have known. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You’d have to run like a motherfucker.
95.   This is my onehour slowtime, so just stay with me to the end of this recording. As soon as I press stop, you can be angry. Until then, bear with it. I spent a lot of money to buy this tape that is recorded on tube. It was goldplated.
96.   I’ve got my necklace. Necklace pulls my hair every now and then. It’s weird. I think someone’s behind me. Just my necklace.
97.   You had a friend who was tightropewalker, and you were walking down the sidewalk with him, and he fell, that would be completelyunacceptable.
98.   I don’t have a cellphone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. Someone needs to get ahold of me, they just say, Mitch. And I say, What, and turn my head slightly.
99.   I hope thenexttime I move, I get a real easy phonenumber, something that’s easy to remember. Something like twotwotwotwotwotwotwo. I would say, Sweet, and people would say, Mitch, how do I get a hold of you? I’d say, Just press two for a while, and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.
100.            Some companies like to use their, they like to spell out a word. You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But they use too many letters, you know, because they can’t edit it. Give us a call at 1-800-I-Love-Brand-New-Carpet. I go, I’d like to press all the words, you know. Spell that fucker out to the bitter end, and if the operator still there, God bless her.
101.            I never say, God bless her on stage, that’s going to be edited. God bless her, what the fuck is that? That’s not my style. I’m not the kind of guy who says God bless her. We’ll leave that to other comics. Other comics say God bless her way better than I do. I say it badly.
102.            I was on That70’sShow on oneepisode. I put it on my actingresumé. Before that. It was my firstactinggig, and I put it on my resumé. Actingresumé before that was sparse. It was full of bullshit. I had to make things up. Actingexperience, Okay, when I play pool, and if I make a shot, I act like I’m notsurprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn’t care.
103.            As a comedian, I alwaysget to situations about my auditioning for movies and sitcoms, you know. As a comedian, they want you to do other things besides comedy. All right, you’re a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act, act in this sitcom. They want me to do shit that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy, man. It’s notfair, you know. It’s like I’m a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a reallygood cook, All right, you’re a cook, can you farm?
104.            I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it, and he said he reallylikes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. [Weinstein&TheUglyWhitetrashBastard.] I said, Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.
105.            I go toKinko’s. Kinko’s my favourite copyingcenter if I had a paper, because they’re open twentyfourhours a day, and that’s great. It’s fiveAM, and I decide I need to ** or something, I’m covered. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, covered in cold sweat. I say, Oh, shit, yeah, Kinko’s. That will not remain singular.
106.            I just injured my teeth on a CD. I injured my teeth. I hate floss. I wish I just had one long curvic tooth, because it wouldn’t need to be split up. It didn’t have to make separation with me. If my tooth fell out, that would have been bad.
107.            Oh, Chuck’s bringing it down. All right, I like it. Don’t think I didn’t notice it, though.
108.            I don’t want a watch, because I want my arms to weigh thesame. So someone asks me what time it is, I just have to tell him what’s happening, hoping that would help. What time is it? Oh, that guy’s eating a hamburger. Shit, I had to be somewhere. I don’t meant you, when that guy’s eating a hamburger. Fuck, which guy? You’ll know.
109.            Every food, you eat good food with bad food, and the good food would cover for the bad food when they get down to your stomach. Like if you eat a carrot with an onionring, then they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, then carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.
110.            I saw a sodapop for dollartwenty in sixpack, you know? That price fucks with your head, because you’re going to start thinking you’re going to sell pop. Pop with me. What’s going on, Mitch? Not much, man. Looking to buy some pop? It’s fiftycents a can. It’s notrefrigerated, because this is halfass commitment.
111.            It’s my friend in the70s. He say, I think the weather is trippy. I say, No, man, it’s not the weather that is trippy, perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy. Then I thought, Man, I should have just said, Yeah.
112.            Remember that joke I did about the cord going to the batterycompartment in a radio? That was a fucking good joke. No, it wasn’t. It didn’t go over. But that’s all right.
113.            I saw this guy driving a car. He either work for the Domino’s or he was borrowing the car.
114.            I lost my memory, but I have ink, so, all right.
115.            I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name elle-why-enne-enne. And my old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too. She spells her name elle-why-enne. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell, because I don’t say -nn as long.
116.            I opened up a yogurt. Underneath the litter, it said, Please try again, because they were having a contest I was unaware of, but I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Maybe the yogurt was trying to inspire me. Come on, Mitchell, don’t give up. Please try again. Message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Freedom on the bottom, hope on top.
117.            Everyone clapped, Chuck changed it up. I think you guys are clapping. I mean it, Chuck’s fucking killing. He’s doing, he’s doing good.
118.            I saw a band in LA. The band was having an offnight, and some people started throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought, Who would throw a tomato at a band? That’s bad. Then I thought, Who would bring a tomato to a show? That’s even worse. Don’t throw a tomato at a band. For onething, they reallylike tomatoes. They’ll think you’re enjoying them. You guys are kicking ass, here, here’s a tomato, because tomato is a universal sign for notenjoying a performance. Plus, I like them on sandwiches.
119.            I had a man on theSubway tomatoes on my sandwich, because I didn’t like the way he was making it. [?] I was that livid. I’ll take it back.
120.            I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkababs. Foosball fucked up my perception of the soccer. I thought you had to keep the ball, and spin it round and round. I can’t do a backflip, much less several, simultaneously two of the guy. That would look just like me.
121.            If you wear leatherpants around, people will make fun of you inevitably. You’ve got a leatherpants on. I like to make fun of people who have skin on their legs. Ah, you’re wearing skin. Whatever. That’s dumb there, boy. Help me out, Chuck. Don’t make me fall into a hole. Poorlythought out material.
122.            I never joined theArmy, because at ease was never that easy to me. Seems rather uptight, still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal with ease. At east is notbeing in the military. I’m eased, bro, because I’m notin the military. I’m extra at ease.
123.            I played the tennis. The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall. I play with it once, that fucker relentless.
124.            How the bass picking up in the recording? Do you have those little red bars that indicate how things are going in the pickupdepartment? See my monitoringdevice. Recording is goingwell.
125.            The club I went to had a redlight. That indicates you have fiveminutes left. Some fellas will hold up a candle in the back, man. That’s theworstmethod, because you’re up there drinking, you look in the back, and you see a floating candle. Oh shit, this place is haunted. I can’t be funny when I’m frightened.
126.            On the back of the box of Ritz crackers, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of theRitz. It says, Put some lunchmeat up there. Try some peanutbutter, man. But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought it. You ain’t got no faith in the product itself.
a.       On the back of the bag of lunchmeat, there’s always some It’s tooslimy and cold to be held onto.
127.            I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennisballs, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. Pringles is a laidback company, they said, Fuckit, cut em up.
128.            I’m almostdone, I think. How much time I have done? (Fortyfive.) Fortyfiveminutes? All right, good. (Not-enough. Not-enough.) You don’t. Six[homosapiens] ain’t going to convince me.
129.            A severed foot is the ultimate stockingstuffer.
130.            I tried to freshen up a room, so I held Exerts in front of a fan. These are the throwawayjokes.
131.            I used to be a hottileroofer. Yeah, I remember that day.
132.            I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator temporarily out of order sign. Just an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologise for the fact that you can still get up there.
133.            I tried to have a cookie, but his girl says, I’m mailing those cookies to my friend, so I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.
134.            A manager takes tenpercents from me. Sometimes I work for freedrinks. I bring him home in jack and coke.
135.            If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediatelyreach for my wallet, because inside is a note that says, Say thanks.
136.            I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
137.            I used to have reallylong hair. People thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with druguse. I wish long hair was associated with something other than druguse, like extreme longing for cake. And a stranger sees a longhaired guy and says, That fucker eats cake. He is on buttcake. Mother saying to her daughter, Don’t bring the cakeeater over here anymore. He smells like flower. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fastapproaching?
138.            My friend came up to me and he said, Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes. It’s like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. You’re gonna quiz me, you’ve gotta put a pause.
139.            Sevenminutes left. Sevenminutes of fucking pure hardcore comedy. Ha, ha. It’s hardcore. Shit’s rough here. This is rough session of my act. I’ve saved it for the last, this little blue.
140.            I love the basement. Any moment of silence is no longer bad. It’s like there’s something going on. I like it.
141.            I saw a band in NewYorkCity. It was a rockandrolloutfit called MonsterMagnet, and the singer got on the microphone. This is what he said, All right, how many of you feel like humanbeings tonight? And then he said, All right, how many of you feel like animals? Everyone cheered after the animalspart. The thing is, I cheered at the humanbeingspart, because I did not know there was a secondpart to the question.
142.            A jar of jellybeans was having a contest. it said, Guess how many jellybeans are in the jar, and you win a prize. Ah, come on, man, let me just have some. Let’s make a compromise, you guess how many I want. If you said, A handful, you are right. It’s all I can [manage].
143.            People teach their dogs to sit. It’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life. A dog has neverlooked at me as though he thought I was tricky. All right.
144.            I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don’t do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I can get the regular oatmeal and feel productive. What are you going to do, make oatmeal? You know it.
145.            Spaghetti. [Startingpoint.] I can’t eat spaghettis, there’s toomany of them. No matter how hungry I am, onethousand of something is toomany. I have onethousandpieces of noodle.
a.       macaroniandcheese for adults. All right.
146.            I like cinnamonrolls. That’s why I wish they made cinnamonrollincense, because I don’t alwayshave time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick, and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
147.            I’m going to take the money I made from this gig, and buy a Dr.Pepper. Bellfucker. It’s for sale at Alan** for twentyfivedollars. It’s an antique. It’s theonlyone they’ve made, I believe. They’re trying to hide the fact that no one ever bought it. It’s an antique, now. All right. I will have it then.
148.            I did a radiointerview. The DJ’sfirstquestion was, Who are you? I had to think, Is this guy reallydeep or did I drive to the wrong station?
149.            I had a bag of Fritos. They were TexasGrilledFritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbecue, and throw down some Fritos. I can stillsee my dad with apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad. You know how I like it. With grillmarks.
150.            People ask me for my autograph after the show. I’m notfamous, I think they’re fucking with me. They’re trying to make me late for something. I want to sign that autograph, I’ll be here.
151.            Koala, I alreadytalked about. Suitcase handcuffed to my arm, I alreadytalked about. I’ve got to get me one of those going, though. That’d be thecoolest thing ever. All right.
152.            Say, man, sixpack. I hear music, fuck yes. It’s theonlyway you can take it in. I’m going to shave, too.
153.            Say, I was in Ireland. I got to drink Absentee in Ireland. Absentee is a liquor of the outlaws that’s supposed to make you trip, hallucigenically. I got exited, because I like to hallucinate, so I started drinking lots of shots of it, but really it was just a liquor, so I was just getting fuck up. I wasn’t evenremotlytripping. But after thetenthshot, I fell to the ground, and I was trying to force to trip. Why is the floor as lowest as I can go? I was just faking it, you know? It wasn’t from the hearttrip.
154.            I alwayseat lemonade.
155.            Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. (Yeah.) I saw through the bullshit.
156.            When I was on acid, I see things, like beams of light. I hear sound that sounded a lot like carhornists.
a.       When we were on acid, we’d go ino the woods, lesslikely chance to run into an authorityfigure, but we ran into a bear. That was even more a buzzkill. My friend swearing to prevent forestfires. Mitchell, Smoky is way more in
157.            In England, SmokeyTheBear is not the forestfirepreventionrepresentative. They have SmackyTheFrog. It’s a lot like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are alwayscool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, Man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog. I would never say, Here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s always, like, optimistic. Hey, here comes that frog. All right. Maybe he will settle near me, and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaisejar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to.
Frogs and bears
a.       difference between frogs and bears. fucking sandwiches from the branch. Frog knows you’d better have a fly, because flies zigzag and
b.      plasticfrog
158.            Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s theonlydisease you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn, Otto, you’re an alcoholic. Goddamn, Otto, you have lupus. One of those doesn’t sound right.
159.            If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are notugly.
160.            I like looseneckshirt, because my neck’s fragile. I can’t wear regular neckshirt, it hurts. I especiallyhate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a reallyweak guy all fucking day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like weak midget trying to bring you down.
a.       I have twosisters. Wendy slightly to the left
b.      falseadvertising, because that’s what happens at least. This is what happened once.
161.            I was at a casino, I was minding my own business. This guy came up and said, You’re going to have to move. You’re blocking the fireexit. If there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are neverblocking a fireexit. You can write it down, and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. Dashed, but that’s how I want to be, dashed. He, he, he.
162.            I type onehundredonewords [per] minute, but it’s in my own language.
163.            I had to take AIDStest for a time. AIDS-tests are veryscary to get. Doesn’t matter what you have been doing. Waiting for the results is frightening. I don’t get the regular AIDS-test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS-test. I call my friend Brian. I say, Say Brian, do you know anybody who has AIDS? No? Cool. Because you know me.
164.            I was on a bus, and it was a middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of easycheese, but it was a middle of the night, so I could notsee. I could notsee how much easycheese I was applying to each cracker, so each cracker was a surprise as to how much easycheese I applied. Makes you believe they should have Blow in the dark easycheese. It’s notlike the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a roomtemperature cheese, and you squeeze out a can, you’ll probablyget mad, because it goes in the dark, too.
165.            I think I’ve got a joke I want to get a CD, now. I want a couple of more **. I want to get a taperecorder. I got a parrot, instead. It’s all right. I think I did that joke backwards. I want to get a parrot, but I got a taperecorder. It’s like a parrot who doesn’t fly away. You don’t have to worry about taperecorder, just so you’re leaving, in the name of freedom.
166.            Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to his specialwoman, but this can backfire, because the song maybe had a deeper meaning to begin with, and now it’s being cheapened. We are the world. We are the children. We are the ones who can make a better life. So just keep on giving. Remember that song, baby, the night I fucked you in the petsemetery? That’s my song.
167.            You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it’s busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say, Dufrene, party of two. Table ready for Dufrene, party of two. And if no one answers, they’ll say their name again. Dufrene, party of two. But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. Bush, party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You fuckers are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone’strunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths, and they’re hungry, that’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes.
168.            Thank you very much. Thank Chuck, too.
169.            Keep it up for MitchHedberg.

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