1. Hughes: So, Artie, what happened to you? You.
2. Henley: He steers it back.
3. Lange: Well, I was doing all right.
4. Hughes: I’ve got to steer it back because, I don’t know, People would kill me on Twitter, they’re like. “What about Artie’s story?”
5. Lange: I was doing all right and then a college basketball player bought me a scotch and.
6. Henley: Former Duke Blue Devil.
7. Lange: Poor guy cost me a lot of Money. Okay, in February. In December, I did a Gig in Boston, and again Nikola Tesla being on the road, you meet, especially being on Stern, you meet some ladies who are above your paygrade who are willing to fuck you. If I was a plumber, you don’t get these women. I might let them think I’d mention their Website on the biggest Radio show.
8. Henley: Maybe. That could work.
9. Williams: That could work, right?
10. Lange: I’m a little tired here, what is your Website? Write it down.
11. Hughes: What are you, sneak attack?
12. Lange: I had about eight Cities. I was living. I was having way more Sex than someone who looks like me should have, but I was really making up for lost Time. In about eight Cities, I had chicks who would meet me in Hotels, and I’d get them a room at the Hotel, I would just go do the Gig, I don’t have to deal with anybody, and I’d go and say, “Get that Website down and I’ll make sure I mention it,” and then I’d fuck her, and give her the worst four seconds of her Life, and then go back to my room and watch SportsCenter. (You’re talking about the greatest Life ever.) I’d been Good for a few years, and in February, in December of last year, I do a Gig in Boston, and one of those girls, a Beautiful girl with a Boston accent, a Southie accent, sounded like Donnie Wahlberg. To me that’s sexy.
13. Williams: She sound like Donnie Wahlberg?
14. Lange: She was like, “Come on, whip your cock off.” Fucking Southie.
15. Hughes: The accents there, man.
16. Lange: So hot.
17. Hughes: Yeah.
18. Lange: Real tits.
19. Hughes: Oh, you really like the accent?
20. Williams: Yeah, I thought you were being sarcastic.
21. Henley: No, I loved.
22. Hughes: No offense, but I love Boston but not the.
23. Lange: It sounds like a strap-on. She shows up. It’s the Devil. She’s thirty-eight years old, I met her when she was twenty-three and she still looked great, and the Devil is a hot chick with Blow, man. I start talking to her and unbeknownst to the People I was with, after the show, I hung out with her, and it started to run, about a month run, where I was taking her on the road and telling her I’d marry her. She had some mouths to feed. I was Bad and I said I’ve got to slow this down. I got arrested for Possession, without Intent, because I had stuff on me in February. When I got out of Jail I got right back on and I’ve been clean ever since. AA meetings, to me, it’s like a mathematical equation; if I go to four of them a week, I’m fine, as long as no one brings a scotch into the Radio show.
24. Williams: I’m glad I’m highlighting your Life, buddy.
25. Lange: I’m kidding.
26. Williams: For the second time.
27. Lange: If you give me the 10 grand, it’s fine.
28. Henley: What about the Vig? The Vig’s on you because you were Gambling, that’s your fault. Okay.
29. Lange: I’ll cover the Vig.
30. Henley: All right.
31. Lange: Now a woman cop was in charge of putting me in a cell, a woman cop, they generally don’t like me. I need a male cop.
32. Hughes: Why?
33. Lange: Because they’re all Stern fans. Do you know how many times I’ve been pulled over since I’ve been on Howard? I’ve had guys go, “Do you know you were doing 90 in a 35? Artie!” Sometimes they had books in their car in case in case they pulled me over: “I have your book in my car.” “You have the book.” “Yeah, in case I pull you over.”
34. Hughes: “I knew I was going to pull you over eventually.”
35. Lange: That doesn’t say much for me. I go into Jail-cell. And this is one of the worst Things that’s ever happened to me, very disturbing. I had a cellmate and he was very large of Hispanic descent, I think a Puerto Rican gentleman, and he was about 300 pounds. There’s one Toilet that is right next to the Bunks. I somehow fell asleep because I still had some Heroin in me and I fell asleep, thank God, because it was a living Hell. I wake up about four in the morning and there’s something resting on my forehead and I thought it was a tumor or something. I didn’t know what it was. I grab it.
36. Hughes: Oh my God.
37. Lange: This guy is taking a shit and his knee, while he’s taking a shit, is resting on my forehead. I’m going to repeat that.
38. Hughes: Is this?
39. Lange: The guy’s knee, while he’s taking a shit.
40. Hughes: Is resting on your forehead?
41. Lange: Is resting on my forehead, and he was very comfortable.
42. Hughes: Right.
43. Lange: It had a red mark, it must have been an hour, maybe.
44. Hughes: What do you do in a situation like that?
45. Lange: He was reading a Magazine. I say, “Excuse me.”
46. Hughes: Right, of course.
47. Williams: Here’s what I’d do, keep your head stable, keep your head stable.
48. Lange: Yeah, three hundred pounds, “Excuse me, sir, your knee seems to be on my forehead while you’re moving your bowels.” It stunk like.
49. Hughes: Ugh.
50. Lange: I’m trying to describe.
51. Hughes: Just the thought.
52. Lange: What happened was, about five seconds into it he released, he let it go, and I felt his knee jiggle on my forehead and I didn’t know how to defuse the situation. I didn’t know what. I didn’t say anything for a long time, I was frozen, and he was just. I think he saw my eyes; I was awake and he didn’t care. I just said, “You through? Everything all right? Are you done?”
53. Hughes: What else can you do in that situation?
54. Lange: He looked at me and he said, he goes, “Oh, my Bad.” I said, “okay, your Bad.” He got the knee off and it was so hot, the skin was. It peeled off my forehead. Laughter of Lange.
55. Hughes: Oh God. Ugh.
56. Lange: Yeah, so we had another four hours in the cell and I said, “You done? It’s not like you have the runs, do you?” It was the casual Attitude that he had; he saw I woke up and he just. He had a lot of. He was looking at fifteen years and sometimes you give up at some point. Some people think Jail is not a Deterrent. Oh my God, I’ve been there, it’s a massive Deterrent. I was in LA County for a month and a half in 1996. I showered in between. The Bloods and the Crips were mad at each other; I was never so happy to be fat and ugly in my fucking Life. I don’t look like Blair Underwood. I don’t know how people say Jail is not a Deterrent.
57. Hughes: Were you scared that he was going to beat you up or something?
58. Lange: No, because I was being very polite. I was the one to say, I’d say, “Do you want me to turn around, do you need a colder spot, a cooler side of the pillow.”
59. Henley: Artie, let me ask you a question, so if you’re in between the Bloods and the Crips, which one do you face? Or which one are you afraid of?
60. Lange: I look straight ahead.
61. Henley: Just don’t pay attention to anybody?
62. Lange: I said. Yeah, I showered three times in a month and a half because it’s optional sometimes, and so I wouldn’t go in there, but the guard finally said, “Well, you’ve got to shower.” I said, “People are complaining about me? Do I stink too fucking much?”
63. Hughes: Why do you really have to shower in Jail?
64. Lange: The guy next to me, in the cell next to me, was there for nine years awaiting a Murder Trial, and he taught me how to make a Pussy out of a piece of toilet paper. You take the cardboard out and you put it in damp, warm Water and you fuck the Thing.
65. Hughes: Well, that’s all it is.
66. Williams: That’s all it is.
67. Henley: I could have figured that out.
68. Lange: He said the word, lukewarm.
69. Williams: Oh God.
70. Lange: [Unclear] lukewarm. He goes, “Artie, you will never go back to real Pussy.”
71. Henley: I beg to differ, my friend.
72. Lange: Exactly. I said, “What Pussy you get?” I had this exact Conversation with the guy. Let me make sure I’ve got it straight in my head. Yeah, this is what he said, he goes, “It don’t bitch, it don’t complain, it don’t spend your fucking Money, it don’t fuck your friend.” I go, “She fucked your friend?” He goes, “Yeah, man, why you think I’m in here?” I go, “Did you kill her?” He goes, “No.” I go, “Well, why are you in here?” He goes, “Because I killed my friend.”
73. Henley: Oh, ouch.
74. Lange: I said, “Dude, you’re screaming this. The guards can hear it.” I said, “I might be going to testify.”
75. Hughes: Right, I didn’t hear that.
76. Lange: “Did he admit to killing his friend?” That’s the exact Conversation I had with him.